Just Words
Onwards, upwards, downwards, backwards. All just words.
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Belated
A thank you to you who left messages on my last post. Especially Lee, who I want to assure that I am doing ok. To a point.
It's been a couple of weeks, the funeral was really good send off, of which my dad would have been so pleased and proud and, I would imagine, would love to have been a part of for sure. I was comforted by the presence of so many people who cared enough and who my dad meant something to. I can't describe that. It's...surprising and warm. I want to talk about me. But not yet. I don't want to appear...self-centred. Suffice to say that while I am ok, I am struggling. In odd ways. I long for a protective, reassuring arm. I either have no-one to provide it or I am unwilling to accept it. It is probably the latter. But enough for now. I miss my dad. And you few who commented, Lee, Bedshaped, Diana, maddog...I really do mean thank you. You didn't know my dad. But you know me, to a point, and I really, really do appreciate your words. Lee - I will be ok. How are YOU? In mourning
My dad died yesterday lunchtime.
After a long and distressing night during which I spent every minute with him, helping to ease the pain and settle him as best I could, he was given the necessary cocktail of drugs to allow him to sleep peacefully, in no pain and without agitation. It was in this state he finally passed away. In the manner he would have wanted to - at home, with his children, in peace. I miss him so much. A special mention for district nurses everywhere. You do a brilliant, compassionate job. Thank you. Not long now
I can sense time running out.
Cancer spreads. It spreads fast, it spreads indiscriminately. And, in the case of my father it is now in the brain. Minuscule it is, but there. Treatment commences soon, but this puts on hold chemotherapy for the liver cancer, which is now alive, awake and kicking once more. It's a losing battle, as we all knew it would be. "Nothing's changed," my father says. He is right...only time cut more and more short. I don't know how long is left. Will we see Christmas? Probably, though in what state I cannot say. Will we see Spring? I don't know. It feels like not. But I am no doctor. I just don't know. Feelings of...impotence...persist. There is nothing I can do, nothing I can direct my anger at still. It's frustrating still. My dad is increasingly frustrated and has admitted, only to me, that some days he wonders what the point is. I reeled at his words - but I could not ignore his logic. He won't give up, I know that, but I can fully understand his thoughts and feelings. What is the point in continuing to suffer, in continuing to become less and less capable? To be there for your family? When does being there turn into becoming a burden? What constitutes being there if you can't make it up the stairs? I fully understand him. He is a proud man and does not want to go out like that. But nor will his pride allow him to do anything else. My frustration pales in comparison to his and I should not be so selfish. Except he knows and understands why I am so. Remarkable man, my dad. Not without his faults, but remarkable nonetheless. He is proud of me. I hope to keep that pride by doing what is right by and for him. I love him so much. Not long now. I still cannot imagine life without him. Annus Horribilus
2009. Not a great year. Not a great year at all.
Dad remains ill. He is frustrated and pissed off with always lacking energy. Lacking energy to a level I can't comprehend. Making a coffee seems like too much effort to him. I wish I could do something for him. His latest blood tests have apparently come back with poor results. Which means the break from chemo we hoped he was going to get may not happen. This also scuppers a short weekend away we were going to have. All of this points my mind in one direction and it is not good. I am so, so scared of losing my old man. My dad, my hero, my friend, my safety net, my everything really. And I am SO frustrated by NOT BEING ABLE TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. 2009. Not a great year. Not a great year at all. Unemployed still, with the hopes I had of making something out of it dwindling fast. Doors close and while some remain open and yet others open anew, I'm less confident than I was. The Housemate is moving out today, so that's £500+ a month gone as well. I need to make an opportunity work and I need to do it fast. But how can I concentrate when I have my dads situation hanging over me? It's HARD. Despite this...I do remain relatively upbeat. The dark moments, though mercifully brief, are, however, darker than ever. I would swap places with my dad right now. No question. Better a man that has made the most of his life be well than one that really hasn't. I love him so much. I hate 2009. Not a great year. Not a great year at all. Fear
While my father continues to respond to treatment he is getting more and more tired after each session and takes longer to recover each time.
He has also decided to retire as work is too tiring in conjunction. Still has three months to do, but it's a decision made. One I both like and don't like. He should probably have retired a long time ago - just because he could. But he always said he wouldn't know what to do if he did. So now he has...I worry...what is he going to do? I know it is necessary but it adds to my fears and brings the finality a step closer. I hate that. It makes denial that much harder. Gradually I am having to face up to the fact that my father is dying. Gradually I am realising it is, comparitively speaking, likely to be sooner rather than later. I hate the fact that we're reaching a tipping point where a decision will have to be made on whether the fallout from the treatment is worth the effect it is having. This is a horrible, horrible disease. But I don't hate it as such. I hate the fact I'm going to lose my dad. What does it matter what takes him? But the reason I am posting after so long is the fear. The gradual but increasing degredation of my ability to deny. I am, frankly, petrified. For my dad, who I see scared now and then, and for me who cannot imagine life without him. |
When You're Gone - Avril Lavigne I always needed time on my own I never thought I'd need you there when I cry And the days feel like years when I'm alone And the bed where you lie is made up on your side When you walk away I count the steps that you take Do you see how much I need you right now? When you're gone The pieces of my heart are missing you When you're gone The face I came to know is missing too When you're gone All the words I need to hear to always get me through the day And make it OK I miss you I've never felt this way before Everything that I do Reminds me of you And the clothes you left they lie on my floor And they smell just like you I love the things that you do When you walk away I count the steps that you take Do you see how much I need you right now? When you're gone The pieces of my heart are missing you When you're gone The face I came to know is missing too And when you're gone The words I need to hear to always get me through the day And make it OK I miss you We were made for each other Out here forever I know we were Yeah Yeah All I ever wanted was for you to know Everything I do I give my heart and soul I can hardly breathe, I need to feel you here with me Yeah When you're gone The pieces of my heart are missing you When you're gone The face I came to know is missing too When you're gone The words I need to hear will always get me through the day And make it OK I miss you Your Sweet Voice ~ Reindeer Section Your sweet voice Lets me know there is a choice Please me slow Oh, Much more slowly than that And when we danced We danced warm cheek to cold cheek A sideways glance I knew you were looking at him I can't call you a friend Cause when you left me here You left me here to die Don't worry I wont call you again Cause when I take a hint I take it pretty hard And when you broke my heart you broke it into shards of glass The telephone yells out At me to wake I won't be blamed For someone else's mistakes It's your sweet voice Sounding cheery and warm It breaks my heart But I summon up all my charm Can I call you my friend? It's been so Since we've talked and I miss you Don't worry I'm over you right now So my feelings wont get in the way of it Oh, I miss the way we talked about the little things In The End ~ Linkin Park It starts with One thing, I dont know why It doesnt even mather how hard you try Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme To explain due time All I know Time is a valuable thing Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings Watch it count down till the end of the day Clock ticks life away Its so unreal You didnt look out below, Watch the time go right out the window Tryn to hold on Didnt even know, I wasted it all Just to watch you go I kept everything inside And even though I tried It all fell apart What its meant to be Will, eventually be, A memory of a time, When I tried so hard and got so far But in the end, it doesnt even matter... I had to fall, to loose it all... But in the end, it doesnt even matter... One thing, I dont know why It doesnt even mather how hard you try Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme To remind myself How I tried so hard... Dispite the way you were mocking me Acting like I was part of your property Remembering all the times you fought with me Im surprised it got so far Things arent the way they were before You wouldnt even recognize me anymore Not that you knew me back then But it all comes back to me In the end... You kept everything inside And even though I tried it all fell apart What it meant to be, will Eventually, be a memory of a time When I tried so hard, And got so far, But in the end, it doesnt even matter I had to fall, to loose it all But in the end, it doesnt even matter Ive put my trust in you Pushed as far, as I can go For all this Theres only one thing you should know Ive put my trust, in you Pushed as far as I can go For all this Theres only one thing you should know... I tried so hard, And got so far, But in the end, it doesnt even matter I had to fall, to loose it all, But in the end, it doesnt even matter 
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